Letters To My Wife/Friends/Family Before I Understood Narcissism
Sure I am angry and could handle it better, but it is just one more nail in the coffin of our marriage. Maybe its just me trying to sabotage our marriage and my relationship with my children? Maybe its the end? How can one tell the difference?
We will both remember this September 1st morning as “Joy’s Tomato Soup Disaster” and how it turned into the end of everything. Its the same day Germany invaded Poland and started World War II in 1939.
Today proved beyond a doubt I am NOT compassionate with my children, I am not compassionate with me or you. And it proved I didn’t care about anyone but myself, It proved I was a 12 year old and you were a mature 41 year old with the patience and vision and wisdom of the Dali Lama plus Pema Chodrin.
It showed how little ability I have to listen or comprehend or take a breath and understand what’s actually happening. And you handled things perfectly with the children, and everything is as it should be because you CONTROL IT.
It gets really really really really old to have everything I do be a mistake, to have everything harshly and clearly and silently and with your glaring eyes be judged by you. You are the personification of Contempt.
It gets really really really really old especially when I am already in a big emotional HOLE with you that has nowhere to go but further down the hole and I am trying to hold our marriage together by doing therapy, making as much space as I can for your nervous system, and being patient with your recovery from the trip out West…I am doing more therapy with Myrna as you asked…but none of that is good enough, the CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN ME…is not happening fast enough or deeply enough, or soon enough. Are you sure the change you want in me is instead the change you want in yourself? This is an honest question. I am asking it in a transparent and civil way.
I told you the same thing happened at the end of my relationship with Sally. The exact same thing. I was created and became an abuser. I failed in the stock market (that was true) I failed as a man, husband, partner, human being, Dad, and NOTHING was ever good enough for Sally. The yard was not right. The house was not right. My relationship with Andy was not right. The way I talked was not right. They way I listened was not right. IT WAS ALL MY FAULT AS IT IS TODAY. The problems in my relationship with Sally were all my fault. Everything could be blamed on me.
R and I had a wonderful early morning. We went after a new toy tractor set out on the curb….in Shoreland I saw on my bike ride, it was gone when we got there. We saw the dredge working and we stopped and looked at it, we talked back and forth, I told him I loved you and loved him, we drove by the school and we saw completely NORMAL kids pile out of Chevy Suburbans and run up the hill to Lakeview with their packs on their backs. It looked like fun to him, but when I asked him about school he said he was not interested and it was “bad”…where does he get that?
I am sure my session for $150 with Myrna will prove eventful and life changing and hopefully EVERYTHING will suddenly be better for it Sarah…don’t you think that will happen?
I have asked you over and over and over and over and over and over what you WANT TO HAVE HAPPEN and you say NOTHING.
Like always you are sitting and waiting for things to change and not seeing change YOU WANT and EXPECT and DESERVE (of course) the dream of a different life in a different geography with beautiful views of the Bighorns or Pueget Sound or Cape Cod these beautiful vistas while standing next to and holding hands with a beautiful 40 something man who does not drink and is in good shape who is strong and loving and understands everything about you without you having to say a word….and it will all be Nirvana and for sure he will be compassionate every single second for eternity and C and R will love him and see THE PERFECT RELATIONSHIP THAT REFLECTS EVERYTHING YOU DESERVE IS INDEED POSSIBLE!
In the meantime what do you want to do? I am tired of asking and not getting an answer.
I apologize for being so angry, I just reached my daily limit with my ability to absorb your negativity about EVERYTHING I say, do, act on, try, promise, apologize for, put my shoulder to, grill, pay for, work for, sleep for, exercise for, listen to, love, hold dear, make right, say nothing about, am hopeful about, water, take pictures of, pay for, plant, mow,…nothing I have been doing for the past 11 YEARS is ever ENOUGH for you and can NEVER SATISFY your need for THE PERFECT PARTNER. I am sorry I am not PERFECT…and I am more sorry I am not even close to Perfect….I am sure that perfect guy is out there just waiting for you….I am sure by the end of your time working with your therapist he will show up and sweep you and the kids off your feet and you will land in the greenest pasture on earth Babe. Good luck with that.
Be sure to share this email with your therapist and your girlfriends and your mom and anyone else you want to PROVE I am an abusive man to.
Thanks. I really love that label…it fits me to a T.